Hoes and Such

At about 70% of the clubs here, one can feel an atmosphere with a certain degree of Orchard Towers concentrate. So even at the regular clubs, you get plenty of working women. Happens less like this in Singapore, even if Attica now so I've heard has a couple of Thai working girls showing faces there.

I'm actually cool with prostituition. Well at least in the purest sense of a business transaction - money in exchange for sex. I'm not okay with the tarnished version - which I see a lot more, where now the transaction just doesn't involve sex per se, but in it the allowance to treat the lady with disrespect. Which is still not that bad, if the effects are contained within the transaction. There's however also something known as a spillover effect, where the many many men take it to mean that all the other non-working women around can be treated in the similar manner. Now, I have a major issue that.

Last night, we get this Cambodian working lady - who was quite beautiful in the dark. Then the lights flashed and I saw a pizza- like face under the lights and cake foundation. Her "boyfriend" was this overweight, greasy, drunk guy in his 50s. If you want a mental image, you could think Bam's Uncle in Viva La Bam. Or Borat, Borat's manager in the movie. You see this beautiful enchantress was trying to get a girl for a threesome. And she starting hitting on a friend I was with. ( In my opinion, she's was really cute - her apppearance was slightly andro-femme way, but she's straight - maybe my type, less lipstick lesbian) Which was flattering to her, till Ms Cambodia got a little to persistent this resulting in my friend making a disappearance to the toilet for a while). Ms Cambodia would be the femme fatale type, she would probably pick a less conspicuous girl so as not to steal the thunder in the bedroom. Again we were dancing in a group, and the annoying twat kept edging herself in the middle of our friends.

Okay, most my Viet girl friends are all shorter than me ( standing at 5'5; 5'7 in heels) which makes me the body guard when ugly foreign old men start fancying themself fanciable them to. Of course if the guy is hot, I step back discreetly as anyone in the secret service would know :) So yes, there I was warning off ( Tapping one of them on the shoulder glaring at him and motioning for him to move his fat ass) 2 separate instances one night fat old men last night - Korean, White dudes who were getting a bit to close to my friend. She's a couple years older than me, but I think she looks younger because of her size.

Sometimes I think, maybe it would be more fun to be at a place that was less "meat market". Plus the Music sucked ass. Oh yeah, meat market alright - I even saw 2 guys haggling furiously over price. He was getting worked up, screaming "fuck, this fucking that - I'm not going to pay that amount". His other friend was happy and already settled the price with the other girl. So I saw both of them ending the night with another pair of ladies.

Its an interesting place though. I lost key keys last night. And had to wake up early for work this morning. But I have a 2 hour spa treatment coming up. I'm happy.

The Night's Still Young.

Well, the police shut down the clubs early today. I had great company - pity was looking to dance the night away. That's what I've been doing the past 3 weekends ; hitting the clubs, casino's and almost free 5star hotel buffets. Might seem like a bit of an over kill, but its compensation for the last 6 months in hibernation.

You know why they shut down the clubs early? Because apparently there was a drug bust in Hanoi and it illogically filtered down South to Ho Chi Minh. Though honestly, I don't see how closing a club early would be consequently effective in eradicating drug abuse. So the deejay was under orders to kill the dancefloor. They did this by playing Blue's "One Love", " Hotel California" - the latter being a nice song, but man - its no way a club anthem.

Getting used to the very interesting and campy bordering on cheesy night life here. To be honest, I'm having more fun here than I did couple months back in Singapore. I've met many people and hope to continue meeting people. Too early to say they will be good friends - but the early prognosis is good. Have met 2 girls - LH and L, that have proved to be fun and people I could seriously get along with. Both are from different social circles, but I have fun in both circles. I headed out with LH's friends tonight - Couple of French-Viet Girls and their French Boyfriends, who were absolutely funny.

Who earns my respect, people who go out there and have fun - w/o giving a shit what people think. I like to see people have fun - even if its an energetic mass of uncoordinated jerky movments versus oh-i-am -so-goddamn-fucking-cool with the brief slight hip movements, oh yeah . Move bitches get outta way, clear the floor for those who know and want to have fun. Also, move bitch, when some lone chick suddenly dances into your circle of friends who are dancing. I don't know if its a phenomenom here, or maybe just one at "clubs" with no clear demarcated dance floor. People actually stand still right smack in the middle of the floor like a statue. Also two out of 3 nights, I had different chicks who probably thought they were the bomb, waddle straight into my group of friends and dance right in the middle of our circle. I'm like HELLO????? Look Girl, I know you're workin' ( pun intended) it, trying to get that old white fart's attention, but quit bumping right into me thinking that your chicken dance is sexy.

Babysitting

Usually, I’m on the otherside – the babysitter. Now, I’m the baby sitted , in the office that is. When I was in India, I struggled hard to be taken seriously, and had to keep pushing before I eventually was. Its looks like its going to be this way here to. Don’t get me wrong , from a social perspective the people are kind, generous and welcoming. Even, if people are kind, generous and welcoming its not going to be help me learn if I hardly even get hands on work. Perhaps its my first week and the work isn’t rolling in just yet. However, things like the fact I’m not going to get my own email account – and that I can use another person’s account if the need be, sounds suspiciously like I’m just being baby sitted. Additionally, the fact the I didn’t need to key in the bookings that just came in, because it wasn’t the usual type and was “complex” and no invitation to watch and learn, plus the fact that I have time to write blog entries, monitor my stock portfolio continuously, know the details of the VT Shooting. Sheesh. Don’t know.

I’ll give it till the end of this week before the bull-dozing starts for me. Diplomatically, of course. But I refuse to let this turn into a Vacation for me. 3 months is a lot of time in terms of opportunity cost – had I another internship instead. There are times when you need encouragement and advice, and I did email my former team leader in India. I hope he replies me.

Time Does Tell

(Currently in the office, with some free time – well time seems to past a lot faster if I do something rather than just surfing, so I decided to write)

Not necessarily with laser- like precision, but a fairly good indication I say. Just before a left for Vietnam, “Coffee” was arranged with a certain individual. Some history, this individual was what I would term a Mild Flirtation - I met at a friend’s party more than 2 years back. We met again at one or two other occasions at mutual friends’ gatherings with brief hellos and finally met again about two months ago at another friend’s birthday. Then he randomly asked me out to catch up over coffee about a week ago.

I was curious, because I wondered what we had to catch up on since we really had absolutely nothing to catch up on; I had not even talked to him for an extended period of time. Also thought there was some kind of flirty undertone his part, so my curiosity was piqued. By the way, I find the TOA (Term of Affection) “Sweetie” terribly revolting. Stomach wants to lurch out of its designated biological address.

So after 10 minutes after the arranged time he returns my 2 missed calls and says
“You’re there already? Oh, I’m running a lil’ late, be there in 5 minutes.”

So I wait.
And wait.
And wait for 20 minutes.

There were 5 things unacceptable to me.

1. No reason was given for being late.
(I’m not unreasonable, if it was a dire emergency – explain and I will try to understand.)

2.No apology was given for being late.
(I’m not unreasonable, if 1. was a half-baked reason, apologize or put up a show to indicate how contrite you are groveling not necessary though it might help)

3.Call was made after the arranged time.
(I’m not unreasonable, let me know before hand so I won’t be hanging around looking stupid and wasting my time, let me know before hand)

4.Call was made in return only after I called twice after the arranged time.
(I’m not unreasonable, but don’t you think if someone is going to be late, the onus is on the late-comer to let you know?)

5.He sucked at math. 20 is not equal to 5.
(Look, I’m really not that unreasonable, its okay if you do the above 4, I’m not going to get mad if you can’t count =) So okay, maybe 4 things that were unacceptable.) The common decent courtesy line was already violated.

So at the 30 minute mark, let him know I was tired of waiting and was out. Then I left. Well, he got there as soon as I decided to leave. But I’m glad I left anyway.Later he texted that he was sorry, that he just wanted to let me know that he didn’t ditch me, but he was “caught up with getting a cab” and thus was 30 minutes late. (Please translate, funny because I got the strange feeling he got on the cab only after I called him). Oh yeah, and please forgive me hun, we’ll do it better next time.

Okay, first things first issue was not the fact that there was a possibility that he would blow me off – that should not have been a possibility save a good reason. Then I would be pissed. Well, if he did, he should probably burn in hell and get raped by a horse. ;)

So the issue that bothered me was the lack of consideration as demonstrated by the above 4/5 things. But no, I’m not pissed. I was mildly annoyed because it was a waste of time. Though it was not exacerbated because I was already in town and just finished a late meeting with project mates in school ten minutes away. Annoyance does go away fast. After that it was simply really an automatic analysis that one of my best friends say I’m fond of doing.

Is this guy interested in me? No, if he were he would considerate and early. If he was, he would have been a lot more considerate and called with good reason. Drill down : Extreme case scenario, even if he were really interested and did not demonstrate some semblance of decent courtesy much less gentlemanly behavior, would it be good to waste time on a person, considering this characteristics will probably show up time and again. Two Cases: (1) Someone I would go out with : Big fat no. Okay, eliminated. (2) As a friend: Well, not if I have to meet up with him (2a) individually, because my time will be wasted. (2b) in a group: Yeah maybe, because my time won’t be wasted since there would be other people on time.

Do I dislike/abhor him? Nope, nothing personal but yeah would still talk to him if its within my comfort zone. But no, will not go out of my way to associate with him because it would cost time and effort which could be invested in other meaningful relationships with old friends, new friends and the ones that are worth the time with a reasonable rate of return; just a judgment call following a simple cross benefit analysis there everyone should habitually do =)

You’re Going to be Jet-Li-ed.

I’m into the beginning of my second week here in India. From the last blog update, I’ve gotten a new room mate from Lithuania. She’s alright, I’d even say pretty good from the start – but as I experience increasing exposure to people of different cultures, I’m all the more aware of the chasm between Asian Oriental and Western social cultures. Honestly, to hell with the whole racial harmony mantra of reveling in the differences in cultures – the whole uniqueness. Well, not to hell with it entirely, but it is easy to be simply blinded by the mutual fascination of exotic differences and forget that it can amount to a certain degree of friction.

Let me give you the low down. She’s the latest flat mate to live in the company flat. Unfortunately, we’re short of a key. So she’s going to this wedding and decides to leave early from work since she’s has nothing more on her plate, after we headed to the immigration office with another one of our flat mates from Turkey. Without even asking my plans, ( technically the key is mine ) she asks for it saying telling me that I can get the key from another ( German ) flat mate when I get back to the office, because it works out easier that way. Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no qualms about lending her the key. It’s just the fact that she didn’t bother finding out if that would inconvenience me and simply assuming that it would be perfectly fine. In fact, I had plans made. The other room mate with us, simply turned to me and said dismissively “Oh, it would be no problem.” Thing is, that would be no problem, IF I didn’t make plans for the evening and went straight home. And how come, she didn’t volunteer the key.

I’m getting mad all over again. I really don’t want to make a racial issue here, but there is some truth there. It’s the whole submissive oriental stereotype shit going on here. I see it happening to the other Taiwanese intern when another German intern wanted to use her desk. True, they were on friendly terms – but I felt like it was as though he was wheedling her into doing so. I could sense her frustration; she was being pushed from desk to desk. So in this way, I’m happily lumped into the category, of submissive oriental kid. It doesn’t help the least that in the new environment, I tend to be lot more reticent than vocal, more likely to say yes than no, even if I don’t feel like it. Guess what? Fuck them all. No, I’m not going to be deliberately antagonistic, but no way if I’m going to let anyone step over me.

Oh, Mr British Pratty F.F. ( Fucking Fag, for the record – no, I have nothing against gay people, but this one really does have something up his posterior, and I hope its razor sharp ) – I’ve given up on him. He’s really not nice. I’ve tried to be polite and civil, but I think my limit has been reached. Some individuals aren’t worth sweating for. Miss Turkey and him are good friends. I’m largely ambivalent towards Miss Turkey, I used to think she was one of the nicer ones – but a lot of them honestly wouldn’t step out of their comfort zone unless offered a carrot in terms of chocolate, tobacco or alcohol. I’ve run out of chocolate and emptied my liter bottle of Absolut and I’ve decided that my 9 packs of Virginia Slims should not be thrown away in bad investments.

Going back to my roomie – I do it like you know it when I feel disrespected – ala Titanic, become a distant ice-berg. Well, didn’t take her long to figure it out – she asked if I was angry with her. I was tempted continue the North Pole Treatment, but I decided it wouldn’t solve anything. So I tried reasonably as I could to explain it to her – which I did well I think. She said that she was sorry that it upset me and came over and gave me a hug, and that she didn’t think of it at that point in time and try not to do it again. Its partly chilling and partly relieving – I would never do that, I would ask if it would inconvenience them. Is this an Asian thing? I don’t see many of my friends back home doing this to me, angmoh ones included. Good, that she was willing to talk and change, but somehow I see this issue coming up again soon. I’m not sure if I should invest in this friendship. Maybe if someone western could enlighten me on this.

Basically, today was a bad day. Many other bullshit things happened which I haven’t mentioned.

By the way, I’m not your S-O-K ( submissive oriental kid ), do it again to me, and I’ll fuckin’ Jet-Li your ass.

Post-note: Granted, it was a bad day. I've decided I like my roomie a lot. FF is getting tolerable, but I'm taking effort to make sure we hardly cross paths. I don't think I need so much grief.

Just so you know ...

I know I haven't been particularly conscientious in up dating my blog despite the ongoing drama in my life. However, this I find is important enough to warrant a post.

Those of who don't know already, or have a slightly vague idea of my stint to India - its been confirmed for a couple of weeks now. I'm leaving for Delhi on 30 Jan for my internship. Be there for 6 months.

Would love to catch up with my any of worthy friends for a cuppa, dinner or something other before I leave.Drop me a text,email or line soon.

Hopefully, I will be a bit more disciplined with the blogging so we can all stay in touch.

Much love.

Argh.

I have a paper tomorrow and I shouldn't have ended up at attica till 4am last night.

Still, eventful night which I'll probably elaborate on sometime soon.

Of all people, why the HELL did I have to run into him there? When I made up my mind not to stay in contact any longer - I had to see him face to face.

Unfortunate fucking coincidence. My resolve has weakened then, now I have to spend time building it up again.

Seriously -

The date that I went on went alright - the dude - the Cancerian - horoscopes are pretty accurate. Well, I read his zodiac before this, and throughout the date I was puncturing him with some (I thought)cleverly asked questions, trying to read and analyze his character.My conculsion - yeah, I do think horoscopes do hold a certain degree of truth.

Another conclusion I came to that night - men don't think much of younger women( I refrain from the word girls ). Well, as expected alchohol does loosen one up, by that I don't mean turn me into a loose slut. But here I am trying to pin-point the exact moment when the fucker, decided that he should change the casual dynamics of this date to a sexual one. Mathe-sexually, they take open-minded to equate to open legs.

Note - I don't put first moves on guys. This is something I've learnt in time. Let them do most of the work. Happily, ( with my the third eye at the back of my head watching him carefully, while the rest of me projected a rather excited,exuberant, absorbed self) discussing options,equity and marginalized Red Indians in America, I never thought the topic would gradually inch towards something sexual. I think the lewd jokes that they display on flat-screen TV in Crazy Elephant had something to do with it.

I consider myself open to discussing sexuality, so I answered whatever questions he asked until he got to " What's your favourite sexual position?". Then -it came to my attention, that his prior probing questions - were to test the waters. ( ie, what's your opinion on One Night Stands?, to which I nonchalantly replied I haven't done one yet - though I probably would in the future, just for experience's sake, plus I don't want to make a habit out of it, because the fear of walking STDS aren't just monsters under the bed )I clammed up at that. So I decided to ignore the question.

He was borderline engaging, hard-to-read (plus I wanted to see if there was evidence to prove my Zodiac hypothesis) and from a different culture. He wasn't your typical expat-Attica-flashyeverything-obnoxious-type. Farmboy from Montana who digs extreme snowsports. Thrift tendencies. Not your typical smooth operator. A little roughshed,grittier. I found that rather appealing. Backpacker as opposed to Mr. Frequent Flier Upgrade.

Much as he had several favourable factors to his name, you'll come to realize that the majority of men, become what we call sweet-talking-assholes when it comes to their libido. So he does that the rest of the night "trying-to-be-funny", but here am I thinking he's really trying to be funny - maybe its his offbeat valley boy humor. Giving him the benefit of the doubt. Because aside from a few hiccups,I'm rather enjoying myself.

He got a tad annoying midway through the date, when he decided to be a bit childish and declared that he wanted to " embarrass me" his words. I'm thinking, I thought this belonged way back in Secondary school. Seriously, I'd enjoy being wined and dined as much has having fun prancing about doing silly things - as long as its not at my expense.

After dinner - we made a stop worth mentioning. We walked and ended up at Boat where we stepped into this sorta Bhangra (Spelt correctly?)place. Now that was a surreal experinces. Very small pub/club I couldn't tell. You then has rather pretty Northern Indian girls dancing to Bhangra music. I was the only female there. Several other Indian expats as well as a Japanese business man. Its like geisha-culture, Bollywood-style. I quite enjoyed the the novelty of it.

We later headed to 2 other bars later another bar,totally desolate except for the two of us. One whisky dry, 2 brandys later and I'm a tad woozy. I don't mind him attempting to hug me and enjoyed dancing a bit. But I get very,very annoyed when he decided it was ok to attempt to put his hand up my shirt or down my pants. ( Get this, I know 3-4 drinks is my maximum before I start making dubious decisions - so I don't drink anymore ) Despite, my apparent slowed mobility, I still managed to swat and fend of his groping attempts. Mobility is certainly slowed, but I still mantained a semblence of control at the back of my head.

Dude tries to kiss me like what maybe ten-fuzzy-times, but he never manages to get a full kiss. Part of me likes the unbridled fun I'm having, part of me wants to get the better of him. Make him think that I'll go home with him ( badgered me at least 4 times, even picked me up hauled me on his shoulder ), and of course declined finally. That never wavered in my head. I was of course a slightly scared, almost a impercetible wave of panick to me, when he grabbed my hands twice throughout the night in an iron grip. I realized that I could probably get myself into a lot of trouble. Think is, I've always thought that the female's feminine charms could probably get her eased out of a tight spot, I think I'll make a revision to that unsound declaration soo.

Suddenly, about one - I got tired of his advances, and I got tired of teasing while trying to fend him off. Then he packed me off in a cab to send me home. One of the great tests when I go out with a guy, is to see how he would respond if I supposedly woozy. Whether, he'd try and sober me up or attempt to have his wicked way with me.

In hindsight, I'm not sure if I'm offended or should be. Well, I think I am - slightly. Normally things, don't get this far on the first date. I'm quite sure its the last date. Because, darlings, he didn't get what he wanted out of me. He probably realized I wouldn't budge any further. Then again, this date - from an objective perspective, has been quite an interesting experience.

I got to:
(1) Test my Zodiac Hypothesis
(2) Add to my growing encyclopedia of notes on menkind
(3) have a surreal experience in the Bollywood bar( did go to Eski Bar as well)
(4) Take my mind of things
(5) Have some girly,flirtatious fun (which stopped at the amorous advances)
(6) Meet a new person - despite the fact that I'll probably never see him again *laughs*
(7) Eat decent Nachos

It was quite a productive night.

Anyway ...

Re-reading through my last post, I noticed several grammatical,spelling,syntax errors that I'm tempted to edit like I usually do. But not this time, don't exactly want to relive those emotions, plus it lends the post some sort of authencity. (Sardonic Laughter)

I'm currently feeling a bit numb. No pain - slight whisker of metallic bitterness on the edge of my tongue. I talked to him about it again. Told him it upset me, rationally speaking it shouldn't because I don't have a legitimate right to. But when it comes to someone you love about, rights go out the window. ( understatement, if he would read my previous post). He, of course reacted almost sympathetically, in all cloyingly sweet sensitivity diluted with some pallid humor to deflect the heat.Typical. He's a bit like teflon - non-stick. Everytime I try to bring a point across, some how he manages to make me feel as though I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Manages to look like the poor contemplative good guy caught in a dilemma.

Bottom line remains coldly,jarringly the same. If he really wanted to see me, he would have asked. People can be busy, but busy people make time for people they care about. Conversation ended on a abrupt note of frustration, with him trying to mollify me. Me getting outta there before I start hurling hurtful comments. Once I start, things can get bloody vicious - Bring on out the ammo, I have an entire chest of disappointments and hurt. Better if I make a quick exit then.

Oh, I know the how the spiel will start again. This will get swept under the carpet, and a week of two later, we'll all be pretend-hunky-dory. Nauseatingly polite conversation. Then I get dangerously forgetful,re this previous reality check. We can lie to ourselves so much. Or at least I can. I'm not surprised if I had a pathologically lying grandaunt in my lineage. Or maybe he'll pull a heartless disappearing act like he did last year.

I'm not surprised anymore.

Anyway...

I have a date tonight. Not with him though.This is a casual date - dinner and drinks. This guy's Cancerian. So I don't expect sparks to fly. I miss romance, I hardly get enough of it. Still,I'm just there to have a good time, hoprfully.

Zodiac Horoscopes, wonder how accurate those are. Its like Finance Theory - things are supposed to happen that way, but at least 55% of the time, it doesn't. Well 45% is a pretty high accuracy level. Or maybe we're just doing the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing. Becoming what we read.

I generally get along better with Sags. They crazy and funny. I like that. Someone I nearly went out with did a Horoscope analysis on my sign. Asking for my birthdate,time etc. Well, aside from my main sign - apparently I have a Scorpio rising ( I'm not sure, if I got that right)which explains my flirtatious and largely dormant vindictive streak.

Man, what I am doing - I have my exam papers next week. And going out to Clarke Quay tonight, sitting on the bed now listening to Lush 99.5 FM which REALLY is not study MOOSIC.It also doesn't help that I'm in a Christmas mood already. I'm also playing Christmas carols.

Anyone know of Good Christmas song covers done by current-day artistes? Put them in my MP3.

Fuck all the bad group mates in the world.

I decidedly fucking pissed off.

Functioning on one and a half hours of sleep - and on time on for my meeting. Some group members are leisurely late. And they were complaining about not having enough time? That's fucking bs.

Disgusting.

If they're not here by 1100, I'm out - I don't give a fuck.

Just got another email for another of another procrastinating bum of a group mate. WHO NEVER FUCKING MEETS DEADLINES. Its not the fucking first time. Just because she had a quiz she can't get her work done? I don't think its FUCKING FAIR. I had a quiz this morning, I fucking stayed up last night to get my work. And Slept one and a half hours.

I've tried to be goddamn understanding.

I hope you all fucking rot in hell.

Edit: I wasn't being entirely fair. Lack of sleep does turn you into a demon, doesn't it? Not all group mates are bad. And one I viciously bashed, she's sorta redeemed herself by coming up with at least some sorta substantial work.

I must, I must, I must control my temper.

Wanted: Single Girlfriends

I lie in bed on a Saturday afternoon wondering where the previous night went to - Saturday night will go to waste as well.

No offence to all my attached girls - they're lovely all the same. Sometimes when they launch into discussion about their boys and all, I can't help but feel I'm missing out on something.

Spontaneous Clubbing nights are now definitely a no go.Plans have to be made way in advance,if anything is going to materialize at all. Its relatively easy to meet individuals that could be dateable, but to individuals and actually become friends, now that's not an easy thing.

Also, most times after meeting up with them - there's a certain degree of pressure throughout, knowing that after they'd be going to meet their boyfriend that has been lurking around. Undercurrents that kinda say, "Chop,chop!The world doesn't run on your time, darling?"

At least 80% of my girl friends are conjoined at the hip with their significant others. The rest of the 20% aren't into the whole clubbing bit or then to have a wider conservative streak than I do.

Well, a higher proportion of my guy friends tend to be unattached- things is you can't do girly things with guys. I mean like, wheres the fun if I go to bars packed with attractive individuals with 3 or 4 body guards?

They've got online dating websites for single people looking to find their mate.

I need a online website to find smart, sassy, fun-loving, sincere and open-minded ladies to hang out with. Do all the nice dinners/bars/check-out beautiful people for sheer fun without having to worry about repucussions from jealous boyfriends or jabbing consciences?

Of course, attached girl friends that ACT single will also be purrrfectly welcomed.

Know anyone that fits the above description? Please get in touch with me, my gratitude will be eternal. As deep as Pammy's cleavage, I swear.

Big Brother Extends His Reach.

This is ridiculous. No shit.

I can't believe Friendster added the new function of seeing who's viewed you. Now, they know I've been looking at them. I always use Friendster as a surveillance tool re the people I've met online, some random people in my life. Now people know I'm a voyeuristic, nosy bugger.

Embarrassing.

The barest comfort is the fact that they can't count the number of times I've viewed them. Argh!

Fluck you!

I might have to launch into a diatribe against how invasive technology is!The only thing that should be invasive is ME!I feel violated! VIOLATED, I tell you.

Time to register for a bogus account.

Another little irony.

My mother comes into my room and asks me,
" How much do you save?"
I grunt rudely and say, " I don't want to tell you."
" Why is it everytime you talk to me, you talk as though I want to take money from you?"

I keep studying.

" From this and the Adidas shoebag, ( Prior to this, she had asked to borrow my shoe bag, and I expressed relcutance because I assumed from the word shoe, she want to borrow my heels - and only certain heels are for loan, but she thought I was reluctant to lend the bag to her )you're not generous. Especially towards your family members."

I'll admit I'm not most generous person around, and I honestly don't see not having generosity to be a vice. You have to be discerning in the distribution of resources. So I say " People aren't generous"

Then she says something to the effect that, I won't help the family if the family is in trouble, implying that I'm squirreling my money away for my own purely selfish reasons.

At this point,I'm tempted to jump up with indignance,hurt and verbally lambast her back. Then, I thought, fuck it.Why I'm pushing my myself so hard now, is so that I can eventually equip myself get be successful, so that I can afford you and Daddy a no worries eventual tirement.

And you know what, Mom, you can't handle the truth. Maybe I'm overestimating myself her, or maybe I'm an arrogant twat but I simply don't trust you guys anymore when it comes to finances. My family will get my money if the NEED be, but I don't want the amount to be known explicitly, because its supposed to be a contingent if its worst case. Don't plan with me in it.

While I'm not purely family focused re my future career wise, part of it is achievement, but a huge part that drives me, is lifting us out of this financial distress which has plagued us for god knows how many fucking years, and I'm sick of it. Its tremendously painful and humbling, each time to have you guys look for jobs at the mercy of the cold,cruel corporate society.

You hurt, I hurt - but I don't show it.

Deep down, in my accordance to my time, my goal is to protect you. I'm rude, abrasive some cutting, because I'm dealing with my own whirlpool of stress,bitterness,anger and growing up that I have to deal with.

You say I'm hard, but I have to be - if not, how am I going to survive, much less conquer a small part of it for us?

The pain drives me.

It must be karma, Darling.

You haven’t lost your touch – you still manage to propel me to the highs and wrest me from them in seconds. Just over a week ago, souls bared – reliving our little thing that we’ve kept on for a while. No one chases the gloom away as effectively as you. What deep comfort we seek in each other. What I would do for you. How our lives seemed to be intertwined in such a contradictory mix of pleasure and pain for the rest of eternity,in your words? Still, I’ve become accustomed to your rejection, my callused heart taking unhealthy but desperate refuge in non-expectation, because disappointment blows. That’s why I’m hard sometimes, so I filter out most of the disappointment. I don’t trust everything you say.

How you promised to stopped smoking on my account, I never even prompted you to – I don’t see why you made that promise when you never meant to keep it. Layer upon layer of the dirt of disappointment. I already took heed not to have any unrealistic expectations otherwise. Your flippancy is at my expense. Fuck you.

I have been semi-successful in conditioning myself to believe that I’m not made for a relationship – which so far has been a self-fulfilling prophecy. Brief recurrent moments of passionate entanglement with you over and again over two years, somehow have never strengthened me enough to leave our history behind. Always for a period of time, then weakness strikes – and I let you back in my life again. Fuck you.

Those sporadic dalliances always leave me happy for a moment, only to kick me deep in the gut when reality sets its foot down. Fuck you.

I’ve gone way past the point of dreaming of a life spent with you till we grow old, where I can spend extended moments on lying on your chest, fingers entwined, our bodies, length to length – while I lie content simply listening to your rhythmic breathing. I wanted a relationship then – I was still a youngin’. Now, I’m just thinking of ways and means to lessen the pain whilst I keep you in my life.

I’m not meant for relationships.

My hopeless myth has obviously been shattered by your own cynical scorn. I might have laughed with you back then when I was younger, joining you in scoffing at the naiveté of the romantic love of others, when I myself had no clue then of what your sardonic cynicism really entailed. Even with the logical, rational equations of unhealthy unrealistic ideals.

I fancied myself in love then. Oh no, don’t get me wrong you’re still the most beautiful man in my eyes - I still love you, part of me always will.

I just think its goddamn fucking ironic that someone in your past had caused you so deep a pain, and you in turn have continuously inflicted it on me. Now, when we talk of the painted illusion of someone else’s romantic love, your pointed, resigned cynicism – I know exactly where you’re coming from. I taste the bitterness first hand.

I must have owed you a great deal in our past life, because I’m paying for it dearly now, Darling.

And fuck you.

You still can make a cold, hard bitch cry.

Aggro Concentrate

I feel like I have swallowed a bottle of it, its churning quite virulently in my tummy.

I hate everyone.

I feel like I'm 13 again.