Argh.

I have a paper tomorrow and I shouldn't have ended up at attica till 4am last night.

Still, eventful night which I'll probably elaborate on sometime soon.

Of all people, why the HELL did I have to run into him there? When I made up my mind not to stay in contact any longer - I had to see him face to face.

Unfortunate fucking coincidence. My resolve has weakened then, now I have to spend time building it up again.

Seriously -

The date that I went on went alright - the dude - the Cancerian - horoscopes are pretty accurate. Well, I read his zodiac before this, and throughout the date I was puncturing him with some (I thought)cleverly asked questions, trying to read and analyze his character.My conculsion - yeah, I do think horoscopes do hold a certain degree of truth.

Another conclusion I came to that night - men don't think much of younger women( I refrain from the word girls ). Well, as expected alchohol does loosen one up, by that I don't mean turn me into a loose slut. But here I am trying to pin-point the exact moment when the fucker, decided that he should change the casual dynamics of this date to a sexual one. Mathe-sexually, they take open-minded to equate to open legs.

Note - I don't put first moves on guys. This is something I've learnt in time. Let them do most of the work. Happily, ( with my the third eye at the back of my head watching him carefully, while the rest of me projected a rather excited,exuberant, absorbed self) discussing options,equity and marginalized Red Indians in America, I never thought the topic would gradually inch towards something sexual. I think the lewd jokes that they display on flat-screen TV in Crazy Elephant had something to do with it.

I consider myself open to discussing sexuality, so I answered whatever questions he asked until he got to " What's your favourite sexual position?". Then -it came to my attention, that his prior probing questions - were to test the waters. ( ie, what's your opinion on One Night Stands?, to which I nonchalantly replied I haven't done one yet - though I probably would in the future, just for experience's sake, plus I don't want to make a habit out of it, because the fear of walking STDS aren't just monsters under the bed )I clammed up at that. So I decided to ignore the question.

He was borderline engaging, hard-to-read (plus I wanted to see if there was evidence to prove my Zodiac hypothesis) and from a different culture. He wasn't your typical expat-Attica-flashyeverything-obnoxious-type. Farmboy from Montana who digs extreme snowsports. Thrift tendencies. Not your typical smooth operator. A little roughshed,grittier. I found that rather appealing. Backpacker as opposed to Mr. Frequent Flier Upgrade.

Much as he had several favourable factors to his name, you'll come to realize that the majority of men, become what we call sweet-talking-assholes when it comes to their libido. So he does that the rest of the night "trying-to-be-funny", but here am I thinking he's really trying to be funny - maybe its his offbeat valley boy humor. Giving him the benefit of the doubt. Because aside from a few hiccups,I'm rather enjoying myself.

He got a tad annoying midway through the date, when he decided to be a bit childish and declared that he wanted to " embarrass me" his words. I'm thinking, I thought this belonged way back in Secondary school. Seriously, I'd enjoy being wined and dined as much has having fun prancing about doing silly things - as long as its not at my expense.

After dinner - we made a stop worth mentioning. We walked and ended up at Boat where we stepped into this sorta Bhangra (Spelt correctly?)place. Now that was a surreal experinces. Very small pub/club I couldn't tell. You then has rather pretty Northern Indian girls dancing to Bhangra music. I was the only female there. Several other Indian expats as well as a Japanese business man. Its like geisha-culture, Bollywood-style. I quite enjoyed the the novelty of it.

We later headed to 2 other bars later another bar,totally desolate except for the two of us. One whisky dry, 2 brandys later and I'm a tad woozy. I don't mind him attempting to hug me and enjoyed dancing a bit. But I get very,very annoyed when he decided it was ok to attempt to put his hand up my shirt or down my pants. ( Get this, I know 3-4 drinks is my maximum before I start making dubious decisions - so I don't drink anymore ) Despite, my apparent slowed mobility, I still managed to swat and fend of his groping attempts. Mobility is certainly slowed, but I still mantained a semblence of control at the back of my head.

Dude tries to kiss me like what maybe ten-fuzzy-times, but he never manages to get a full kiss. Part of me likes the unbridled fun I'm having, part of me wants to get the better of him. Make him think that I'll go home with him ( badgered me at least 4 times, even picked me up hauled me on his shoulder ), and of course declined finally. That never wavered in my head. I was of course a slightly scared, almost a impercetible wave of panick to me, when he grabbed my hands twice throughout the night in an iron grip. I realized that I could probably get myself into a lot of trouble. Think is, I've always thought that the female's feminine charms could probably get her eased out of a tight spot, I think I'll make a revision to that unsound declaration soo.

Suddenly, about one - I got tired of his advances, and I got tired of teasing while trying to fend him off. Then he packed me off in a cab to send me home. One of the great tests when I go out with a guy, is to see how he would respond if I supposedly woozy. Whether, he'd try and sober me up or attempt to have his wicked way with me.

In hindsight, I'm not sure if I'm offended or should be. Well, I think I am - slightly. Normally things, don't get this far on the first date. I'm quite sure its the last date. Because, darlings, he didn't get what he wanted out of me. He probably realized I wouldn't budge any further. Then again, this date - from an objective perspective, has been quite an interesting experience.

I got to:
(1) Test my Zodiac Hypothesis
(2) Add to my growing encyclopedia of notes on menkind
(3) have a surreal experience in the Bollywood bar( did go to Eski Bar as well)
(4) Take my mind of things
(5) Have some girly,flirtatious fun (which stopped at the amorous advances)
(6) Meet a new person - despite the fact that I'll probably never see him again *laughs*
(7) Eat decent Nachos

It was quite a productive night.

Anyway ...

Re-reading through my last post, I noticed several grammatical,spelling,syntax errors that I'm tempted to edit like I usually do. But not this time, don't exactly want to relive those emotions, plus it lends the post some sort of authencity. (Sardonic Laughter)

I'm currently feeling a bit numb. No pain - slight whisker of metallic bitterness on the edge of my tongue. I talked to him about it again. Told him it upset me, rationally speaking it shouldn't because I don't have a legitimate right to. But when it comes to someone you love about, rights go out the window. ( understatement, if he would read my previous post). He, of course reacted almost sympathetically, in all cloyingly sweet sensitivity diluted with some pallid humor to deflect the heat.Typical. He's a bit like teflon - non-stick. Everytime I try to bring a point across, some how he manages to make me feel as though I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Manages to look like the poor contemplative good guy caught in a dilemma.

Bottom line remains coldly,jarringly the same. If he really wanted to see me, he would have asked. People can be busy, but busy people make time for people they care about. Conversation ended on a abrupt note of frustration, with him trying to mollify me. Me getting outta there before I start hurling hurtful comments. Once I start, things can get bloody vicious - Bring on out the ammo, I have an entire chest of disappointments and hurt. Better if I make a quick exit then.

Oh, I know the how the spiel will start again. This will get swept under the carpet, and a week of two later, we'll all be pretend-hunky-dory. Nauseatingly polite conversation. Then I get dangerously forgetful,re this previous reality check. We can lie to ourselves so much. Or at least I can. I'm not surprised if I had a pathologically lying grandaunt in my lineage. Or maybe he'll pull a heartless disappearing act like he did last year.

I'm not surprised anymore.

Anyway...

I have a date tonight. Not with him though.This is a casual date - dinner and drinks. This guy's Cancerian. So I don't expect sparks to fly. I miss romance, I hardly get enough of it. Still,I'm just there to have a good time, hoprfully.

Zodiac Horoscopes, wonder how accurate those are. Its like Finance Theory - things are supposed to happen that way, but at least 55% of the time, it doesn't. Well 45% is a pretty high accuracy level. Or maybe we're just doing the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing. Becoming what we read.

I generally get along better with Sags. They crazy and funny. I like that. Someone I nearly went out with did a Horoscope analysis on my sign. Asking for my birthdate,time etc. Well, aside from my main sign - apparently I have a Scorpio rising ( I'm not sure, if I got that right)which explains my flirtatious and largely dormant vindictive streak.

Man, what I am doing - I have my exam papers next week. And going out to Clarke Quay tonight, sitting on the bed now listening to Lush 99.5 FM which REALLY is not study MOOSIC.It also doesn't help that I'm in a Christmas mood already. I'm also playing Christmas carols.

Anyone know of Good Christmas song covers done by current-day artistes? Put them in my MP3.

Stunned, disoriented and ... hurt.

Gnawing,clawing suffocating pain. I can't believe it. I'm so choked emotionally that I need to write. Something which I haven't done for a god awful long time. One can sense virtual weed growing on my blog.

Well, I found out he slept with someone else. It shouldn't hurt, at least not this bad - but it does. All our emotions have always been underplayed - mine more accurately.

Previous time, it was " When was the last time you got laid?" So casually put. So carefully answered. Well, I did sleep with someone other than him then - I was relieved I did. "A month or two ago", we both responded. That was earlier this year.

Since the last time, we met I hadn't slept with anyone since. He had. I wish I hadn't asked the damned question this time around. Flippantly, with some vague sense of curiosity - I asked where how he got laid. "Friend's friend." Then I uneasily, move onto the topic about how I don't sleep around because I'm scared of getting STDS, while trying to decide how I feel. The conversation ended soon after to my relief and anguish, but on a very placid, very put-on friendly note for me. He probably never felt the undercurrents.

I grew breathless, teared - clueless, panicked. Crying on the bathroom floor, with the shower beating upon my neck. First squating, then with my arm propped against the tiled wall desperate to find refuge from the blasts of emotions. Swollen eyes, sore.

Broken. My illusion. I don't know what shattered me. Was it my ego? That I held off getting involved with someone. Not wanting anyone to over ride his imprints on my body. That I can't believe could replace me. I don't know, I don't know.

I just hurt so bad.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about him (annoymously). How I thought that no one could understand what we shared,despite the continually fucked-uppedness our circumstance. He described it twice as an inextricable link. I described it as en. An eternal karmic bond. Justifying with vehemence. How yes, I loved him. Well, even though he never said he loved me - I knew he did in his own way.

So hollow now. I can't justify it anymore. So many muted questions I want to ask, but the resultant truth any more than I can bear this angony? Maybe I'll talk to him, maybe I'll just go sleep with someone, just to level the playing field of indifference again.

That layer of false indifference. My fabulous acting - everything is swirling around me now. I can't think. I want to call,him,ask him,beat him,slap him ...hold him.