Stunned, disoriented and ... hurt.

Gnawing,clawing suffocating pain. I can't believe it. I'm so choked emotionally that I need to write. Something which I haven't done for a god awful long time. One can sense virtual weed growing on my blog.

Well, I found out he slept with someone else. It shouldn't hurt, at least not this bad - but it does. All our emotions have always been underplayed - mine more accurately.

Previous time, it was " When was the last time you got laid?" So casually put. So carefully answered. Well, I did sleep with someone other than him then - I was relieved I did. "A month or two ago", we both responded. That was earlier this year.

Since the last time, we met I hadn't slept with anyone since. He had. I wish I hadn't asked the damned question this time around. Flippantly, with some vague sense of curiosity - I asked where how he got laid. "Friend's friend." Then I uneasily, move onto the topic about how I don't sleep around because I'm scared of getting STDS, while trying to decide how I feel. The conversation ended soon after to my relief and anguish, but on a very placid, very put-on friendly note for me. He probably never felt the undercurrents.

I grew breathless, teared - clueless, panicked. Crying on the bathroom floor, with the shower beating upon my neck. First squating, then with my arm propped against the tiled wall desperate to find refuge from the blasts of emotions. Swollen eyes, sore.

Broken. My illusion. I don't know what shattered me. Was it my ego? That I held off getting involved with someone. Not wanting anyone to over ride his imprints on my body. That I can't believe could replace me. I don't know, I don't know.

I just hurt so bad.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about him (annoymously). How I thought that no one could understand what we shared,despite the continually fucked-uppedness our circumstance. He described it twice as an inextricable link. I described it as en. An eternal karmic bond. Justifying with vehemence. How yes, I loved him. Well, even though he never said he loved me - I knew he did in his own way.

So hollow now. I can't justify it anymore. So many muted questions I want to ask, but the resultant truth any more than I can bear this angony? Maybe I'll talk to him, maybe I'll just go sleep with someone, just to level the playing field of indifference again.

That layer of false indifference. My fabulous acting - everything is swirling around me now. I can't think. I want to call,him,ask him,beat him,slap him ...hold him.