MY BABY GOT HIS LEAVE APPROVED.

I'm happy,happy,happy! ! !

This also means I can see him October! Hope he gets a flight!

Lalalalala

It's Over.Over.Over.

About time the cycle ends you guys say. Though not without a certain bitterness and anger.

Last 3 years of torment ends in this email. I deserve better than this, someone who'd love and treasure and respect me. I sent it off two nights ago knowing that I need to end this.

I have other people I care about so much. Its about time I give it a chance, someone to make me happy.

Here it is now:

( For what I am worth to you, finish reading this even though this going to to be uncomfortably unpleasant. If its the second last thing you do for me, the last being the second last line of this email, do it please.)

XXXX,


I want to hurt you as much as you hurt me. 45 minutes past – tick-tock. God, there's so much hurt, anger, resentment, regret and bitterness I have for you that I sometimes I hope one day you would twist in a pain greater than the torment you have caused me.

What sparked this off? You were supposed to call at ten thirty . I was waiting for your call. Its so familiar, its de ja vu all over again. I remember clearly one night you said that you would meet me after you were done with your function, I was waiting. And I waited. Then I gave in and texted you – you were high with your gay chums so you couldn't make it.Oh the disappointment then. And again and again and again.

But I guess I should not be expecting much from you given your track record when it comes to me. I, however, always believed I was something special for you despite your contrary treatment of me.

Coming and going throughout the years. Sleeping with you on-and-off. Even when you slept with someone else. It really broke me btw. Remember I said that I'd end things when you begun to sleep with someone else? Oh believe me I ate my words. Sleeping with other men was comforting – as an equalizer. Seeing you at Attica, did me IN!

You never comprehended the magnitude of my feelings for you. And you probably never will. I downplay all the aggression stemming from your constant rejections. I think I'm going to lay it all on the line now. Then there will be no turning back for me, then you can finally remove yourself from my life, and I can't come back crawling in humiliation begging you to come back in my life again.

Then the cycle finally ends.

So many times I have said, despite it all – I would go through it all over again. I think at the present peak of my pain. I say I think I won't. So I guess I'm going bring it on now.

I always harbored the hope that one day you would see me as an equal and fall in love with me, as I did with you. I hope I can say what I have now – I'm no longer in love, but just nursing a very unhealthy addiction to you. In fantastically ironic way, began to mould myself in what I thought you found attractive. You were centered in my life, no matter how much I would try to deny it from my own self. It had its benefits; I strived to make myself more confident, smarter and even bitchier. You brought your boons; through they're highly disproportionate to the banes.

Disgusting how I convinced myself that you loved me. That maybe we were meant to be. How things felt 'right'. Complete fucking mental bullshit. I really pity myself and still do.

We can never be friends. I feel nothing but pure pity for waste of what could have been a wonderful friendship.

I shouldn't have texted you in India .

After we met the last time, I wanted to see you again or just talk to you. I asked you to call me that night, because it was important to me. You said you would. You messaged at 1 am in the morning and asked if I was awake. For any person that would care decently about another, it's a strange, strange reaction. Even if you were busy, if you knew it was something important that I wanted to talk about – wouldn't you have at least messaged to say that could I call back another time. Then I realize that I'm an afterthought. Oh, boo on me. I was hurt. So I didn't reply. I figured I had another one and a half weeks more, before I left for India anyway. No goodbye call or text from you. Out of sight, out of mind. Never had I been so desperate to escape what I was familiar with.

(Oh, btw, I just received your text 'Sorry for the delayed reply, maybe tomorrow '. I guess it makes it all better now. Dispensable (lil' ol' me), its okay if I keep her waiting. How easily you can make me feel I was over reacting, pretty usual. Many times, I legitimately have no 'right' to demand anything from you. But both of us know that our mess has transcended the initial boundaries drawn at the beginning. Remember, the 'I make a bad boyfriend' forewarning at Bar Opium. Also remember MSN chat when I got it from you that you slept with someone else. 'I don't know why I feel the need to apologize when I don't have to, so don't feel bad. I'm upset that I made you upset '. Jesus Christ, I can still almost imagine the long-suffering sigh you would have let out, had you done this in person. )

So in India, it was better. Though I was still crying intermittently and smoking daily because I still woke up in pain. I thought about you less as things got busier. I always remember your birthday, but do you even know mine? I always want to wish you, but I guess it feels better that I don't because you don't even know mine.I deliberately kept my Indian number from you because I knew it would do me no good then I had to spoil it all by messaging you again. I still block and unblock you from MSN regularly because of the constant struggle that you're bad for me and want/need/love/something to that effect you so much. Anyway,you called back. Very surprising since you 'don't see the need' to call me. But thing was you didn't know if it was me, or if it was your cousin. If you knew for sure it was me, I think you would probably have texted back a 3 pager. I think I was desperate for a reason to just be in touch with you again because I missed you terribly. The perfect excuse came along when the shit hit the fan at work and because I was feeling so down, I did again. Telling myself that you were probably the only one that could know how I feel and give me the moral encourage that I dearly needed. Well to be fair, granted that is certainly something I can say Thank You for. Though it was more like in your character to listen to people's problems, rather than being there especially for me.

So it started again. Text messages/chats. And you said you didn't contact me because you didn't have my new number and didn't know if I still checked my email. Flimsy, buddy. Don't have to give excuses if you didn't feel like it. I guess, if you were out rightly and harshly honest with me, its possible that I would have left you alone. In other cases, forget the thin 'I've been really busy, have got another wedding this weekend' just tell me that I rank below those familial duties. Going back, If you really wished to contact me, you could have at least typed a one liner email to my address. An attempt. There still was Friendster to by the way, if you were really intent on wanting to contact me. So we can come to the grand conclusion that it was half-hearted, darling. Like 99.5% of the time, when I come into the picture.

It's a good thing that you did it again (the unreliability thing with me); I tend to forget how much grief it causes me. Good reminder. I obviously won't be seeing you again tomorrow and ever. Normally at this point, I'd have dissolved in pathetic sorrow being reminded that you'll never love me back, so I'll just take the bits and pieces of your life you offer me, being reminded of all our tender memories. But I can't. I'm being unfair,with this low-blow goodbye. But fuck this; I'm tired of repression. I deliberately keep my turbulent emotions in check with you, because I didn't want to lay a guilt trip on you, and you would leave me cos you feel bad. We can launch into an argument about how 'you already told me from the start that you didn't want anything serious', but you'll have difficulty convincing yourself otherwise. That's assuming that you care. If you don't, of course you won't have any guilt.

Loose canon. I'm lashing out at you from any memory of hurt that comes to mind. I'm tired and I'm sapped. By the way, I always wished stop calling me babe/s. It's fucking annoying and cloying. I'm not one of your floozies or at least I would like to think so.

I'm guessing if you've made it to here, you'll probably be riled up.

If you really missed me, as so many times you've claimed. I think that you would have at least taken time or made an attempt to meet up with me. Yes, you've been jet-setting. As usual. How long does a phone-call take? You tell me you miss me and then you hardly bother to call me. Some kind of inconsistency going on. I feel jerked around. I think there were so many times, when I would have called you. Now I restrain myself so hard, because the disappointment that follows because you don't reciprocate is crushing. False sense of self-preservation.

I'm probably not doing 'us' justice in this tirade. But I don't need painful reminders of the beautiful moments that was.

I'm tired. What I'm trying to do here is forcibly end/sever the indescribable complication/tumor/divine entanglement. I cannot keep loving you. I try too hard with you, trying to make you fall in love with me. Too many fantasies of marrying you having your kids no more. And I probably really don't want to hurt or make you twist in gut-wrenching pain that I mentioned earlier. Despite, many self-denials. The bottom line remains, that if you really loved me, you would have done a lot more than you have. Truth is glaringly obvious, despite sweet denials and comforting half-truths. In a way, I know you care deeply but its not the same.

You can see I've run the entire gamut of emotions, though I've totally downplayed the sentimental for necessary reasons. The tone from what I started off and how I'm ending is very different.

Please don't respond to this at ALL. Don't contact me anymore after this. No text messages. Not even how are you doing. Delete my number. Block me from MSN. If you see me on the streets, don't say hi. See what happened in attica?

Most importantly, if I ever contact you again, ignore me even if I beg you then. Please. I'm begging you now.

This really has to end.

In any case, this is mutually exclusive from what I feel for the Dutch boy. He still means a lot to me. The above, is me cleaning out the closet - something long overdue. I don't know if things would work out with him, but I'm trying - I really am, I don't quite want to lose him.