Rebounds and Ricochets.

About this time last year, I was shattered – the devastation muted only by (in hindsight) a misplaced hope. Delusion then was a life buoy; it kept me going for a bit. Up till the point, when I made the realization that, “Look, it really isn’t going to happen.” By that time, I’ve recovered a bit from the trauma, and can handle the bitter pill of truth, marginally better. So how do actually get that buffer time zone?

Yeah, it’s a dirty word – smacks of selfishness.

R-E-B-O-U-N-D.

Had 2 or 3 of those going on– some even concurrently.

But if you asked me then if I they were my rebounds, I would vehemently declare indignantly, “REBOUND? MEEE?”, “No – no way.” And probably chuckle quite uneasily, and unconvincingly. Firstly, I wouldn’t believe that I- paragon of selfless virtue, would be capable of such an inhumane sin of selfishness. (Oh, yeah the self-delusion does go that far, I’m afraid.)

Secondly, I was in denial of my own weak, vulnerable, crushed state. I would have easily scoffed “I mean like - Hellooo? Why – would I NEED a rebound?”

[Disclaimer#1: annoying adolescent bimbo speaking is a persona.]
[Disclaimer#2: Rebounds do not help you get over the individual in question, but they’re useful in their distractive qualities]

I really did try to convince myself that I was trying to get to know them better, and perhaps … you know … things might work out. When you’re emotionally vulnerable, it’s a lot easier to undermine rationale. But by the second/third week, I was panicking and hyperventilating like an asthmatic on steroids. I was dropping hints, had explicit clear cut talks that I wasn’t in it for the long run. I have this annoying thing, called conscience a.k.a integrity hemorrhoids .None of them of course had a problem with it, because I’ve got (an unwitting) built in radar that detects people that aren’t looking for relationships. (It’s all destined, I’m afraid – even the signs showed back then)

You know what I find ironic, quite a number ongoing romantic occurrences between individuals actually are an inter-connected network of rebounds. I might have been rebounded for my heartbreaker. Other times when we’re both reboundees together in commiseration. It did happen once. Other unfortunate times, not. Then one person gets hurt, then he/she goes on another rebound, sparking a domino effect. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

Damn, as I’ve said before – God must have failed at theatre studies because he’s gotten the genres of tragedy and comedy mixed up.

I find myself in the position of potential reboundee. The individual in question has just gotten out of a relationship, and is probably missing the companionship that a relationship brings. Despite obvious signs of interest expressed towards me,rebound is written all of it.I don't quite mind getting to know the individual better. If things do take a turn for the romantic, I won’t quite object – it’s nice to hold someone once in a while. After so much heartache, I’ve been conditioned to handle such messy situations, with an almost callous air. I don’t fall in and out of love that easily.

While I'm more inclined to something short-term, I consider myself still open to something more serious, if it feels right, albeit somewhat reluctantly.

But for now, morphine flows in my veins.

Meaning for a brief moment of hugs, intimacy, my emotions are dispensable.

One day, this might come crashing down on me – all this baggage, that I’ve currently stemmed with a dam.

But what the hell.